Thursday, 2 September 2010


Tonight I wish to write a million words and yet each syllable sticks in my throat. I don't know whether to start with this or that or some other futile concern and yet I know that with every moment that I dally in this matter a piece of me breaks away, shrivels and dies.

I wish to open my eyes, to rejoin the human race and no longer play the role of the amusing friend and confidante, the dutiful and efficient daughter, the sister who sets the example and leads the way. I don't want to play at these things any more for I am none of these things.

I want to rage and explode my anger at myself, at the world, at those who failed to maintain the beauty that lies within and all around. Why they and I are so weak....

This post has not turned out as I expected at all....I wanted to ask why people stay in painful relationships? Are they afraid to be lonely? But sometimes loneliness is a blessing when contrasted against an existence of fighting and heartache, you can learn to savour your alone time and suddenly you are no longer lonely but alone and this is the start of a life-long romance.

Fear of leaving? The repercussions of leaving, what the other might say, what others might think. Life is too short for such trifles, we only get one shot at this existence

The fear of having notched up yet another failure...well whether you stay or not it is a failure and so why torment yourself by drawing it out. In hope of salvaging the wreck? Not going to happen....some things can not be mended 

I feel like throwing out a lot of random thoughts upon this page but somehow repelled by its chaos and haphazardness, almost like some beast spewing out its innards- each piece repulses me and yet also surprises me. 

Is there no way out of the mind?

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